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Quotes From Ineffective Locker Room Pep Talks
7. “It’s good shrimp – have some”
Complaints About “Godzilla”
5. 3-D glasses did not fit my baby
4. Never articulates pro-monster side of debate
Least Popular Game Shows
5. “Housesitting for Chuck Woolery”
New Products Featured At The Consumer Electronics Show
9. Return-O, The Gift That Returns Itself
8. Noise Cancelling Coffin
Memorable Lines From Academy Awards Acceptance Speeches
3. “I didn’t prepare a speech, so I’ll just make train noises”
Things Overheard at the Olive Garden Test Kitchen
5. I want fifty ideas for scampi on my desk by Monday
Things Scientists Said When They Killed the 507-Year-Old Clam
9. “Now we’ll learn nothing about old clams”
2. “Why does everything I pry open die?”
Other Food Breakthroughs
5. Bravocado, The Applauding Fruit
Questions People Have About Obamacare
7. “How much to make my knees hinge like a flamingo?”
Ways To Make Your College Application Stand Out Presented By A High School Student Admitted to All Eight Ivy League Schools
8. Include a very well-lit photograph of your brain
3. If you’ve been to space, mention you’ve been to space
Lesser-Known Gubernatorial Debate Rules
4. Maximum three timeouts for self-tanning application
Other Names Considered For Pop Tarts
10. Fun Slabs
5. Introductory Pastries
Odd Habits of Mayor Bill de Blasio
2. Tips waiters with bagged goldfish
Thoughts Going Through Diana Nyad’s Mind While Swimming From Cuba to Florida
2. “Someone look out for Florida so I don’t hit my head”
Moviegoer Complaints About Kick-Ass 2
5. Movie was preachy about dangers of ass-fracking
Excuses Of The Guy Who Didn’t Show Up For Work For 25 Years
6. I didn’t want to be labeled a ‘suck-up’
Future Nik Wallenda Stunts
7. Explaining to someone how he makes a living
Things Said By Costumed Characters In Times Square
4. “Can anyone give Hulk a lift to Newark?”
Things You Don’t Want To Hear On Spring Break
8. “There’s great swimming near the wiper fluid plant”
Things Overheard In Line For The Cupcake ATM
8. “Nothing comes out of an ATM that I won’t eat”
Films About Pants
4. “Big Trouble in Little Chinos”
Thoughts Going Through This Kid’s Mind at This Moment
[High school kid with squirrel on back]
9. Usually squirrels are more predictable
7. Remember your training
5. He’ll tire out before I do
Things Overheard At The Hollywood Film Awards
5. “Hold your audible sighs until the end”
G20 Summit Icebreakers
5. “I’m Indonesian president Susilo Bambang Yuduyono, but you can call me Susie Bambang Yuduyono”
New Fast Food Products
4. Asbestoast
Things You Never Knew About The House of Representatives Presented by Nancy Pelosi
6. Every month we’re tested for steroids
5. Steny Hoyer’s middle name? Also “Steny”
Signs Your Team Owner Is Nuts
9. Halftime show: burning tires
Thoughts Going Through President Obama’s Mind At This Moment
[Watching lame Japanese robot Asimo hopping]
8. “Is it broken?”
7. “Will this take hopping jobs away from Americans?”
4. “This thing better shoot fireworks out its ass”
Thoughts Going Through Rob Ford’s Mind At This Moment
[When Assemblyman asked if he purchased crack in last two years]
5. “I don’t remember – you should ask my crack dealer”
2. “What answer gets me to Dairy Queen faster?”
Signs a 20 Dollar Bill Is Counterfeit
8. Includes the words “definitely real”
Anthony Weiner Future Plans
2. Write autobiography: “Dreams From My Weiner”
Thoughts Going Through The Mind Of The Guy Who Had Sex With A Toaster
10. “I hope my waffle iron doesn’t find out”
7. “I hope this doesn’t sway the Nobel committee”
Rat Regrets
8. Eating that poison
5. Losing touch with favorite puddle
2. Should’ve spent more time infesting church
Excerpts From The Senior Citizen’s Romance Novel
6. “Enrique’s pants weren’t pleated anymore”